remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize