I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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