Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
