My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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