I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
