You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
