Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
