if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
