Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
