Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
you never un-have a 4some
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
