Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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