There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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