I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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