Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
