I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
