Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
