Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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