theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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