i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
