Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
