escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
