I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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