I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize