will power is for people who don't want to get laid
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
