youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
