i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we made out on top of his cat.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize