I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
