Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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