the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
