im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
