I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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