Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
