Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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