I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
