This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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