you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
