Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
