Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
