i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
