I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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