I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
