Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize