Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
