end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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