Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...

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(305): View more from Florida

Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.

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(630): View more from Illinois

when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect

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