This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
