I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
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