My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
