well I can't set my house on fire every night
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
