I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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