I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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