I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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