There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
