I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
