We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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