I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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