Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
oh god the rape fog is back!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
