I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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