Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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