Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
