ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize