I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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